Rocket man

Such a coincidence... todays jym sermon talked about the journey to Mars. Just this morning i also dreamt i was going to fly to mars. and i dont consider it a pleasant dream.

I was in some desert at night... perhaps nevada desert. a clear dark cloudless sky above, i saw a bright shining object in the sky, supposedly mars. I witnessed the launching of a gigantic rocket heading to mars, watching it soar upwards as the flames lighted up the sky. it got smaller and smaller. it was a powerful sight. i felt for those ppl on board that rocket, like they were leaving forever.

I was supposed to be on the next rocket also heading to mars. i would be leaving Earth in just a few more minutes, God knows when i would be back. my classmate was also on the same rocket as me (dunno why him of all ppl...) and he was saying things that werent so helpful, sth along the lines of "its not just a far away country. its Mars.. another planet. you can forget about returning anytime soon."

The feeling i had was.. not good and felt like backing out. i would be totally cut off from Earth, be gone for an extremely long time and no turning back. May not even come back alive. i would be going to a whole new place 400 million km away, with no promising life to look forward to there; full of uncertainty. i thought about all the things i would be missing out as a sacrifice to go on this mission (to do dunno what). i felt very homesick. but still, in the end i guess i went.

the next scene, i was already in space, outside the rocket! i was somehow clinging on to a bar outside the rocket. looking down, there was like 10-stories-tall of the rocket below me, and beyond that is the dark boundless space. i was clinging on for dear life, or else be ejected into space and lost forever. after some cries for help, a ladder made of rope was released beside me. i manged to climb onto that ladder and got back to safety. i did not see who pulled me in.

it was a scary dream, both parts of it. but looking back, it was a nice 'dream experience'.

Anyway, i have been giving myself abit of discount on my game-fasting. I allowed myself to play C&C3 on the desktop every friday. but i dont consider that a failure.. its quite minor.

Boast

Everything is falling apart
nothing seems to be going right.
all that i had hopes on are not happening.

I will make my boast in Christ alone.

It seems this time i would really have to
because theres nothing else i can boast about even if i wanted to.

I think i remember praying for God to help me make my boast in Christ alone.

God, you didnt have to take it so literally... you almost drove me into depression.

Hope. so powerful, yet so fragile. still, ill have to hold on to the pieces.

Whats going on

So, Joel came back suddenly, unexpectedly 2 days ago at night. it turned out he had an arm injury during BMT that granted him 2 days MC. earlier on i had sent him a msg asking him about how things are in the army, which he replied its too much to say by sms. so when he came back he rmbed and said he would tell me later.

that night my parents were busy talking to him and so i went to do my own stuff. never got to hear the story. the next day i came back from school late, then i thought can still ask later. but i didnt know he had to leave so early the next morning so he went to sleep early. in the end, i am still not aware of whats going on in army for him. this time i would have to wait till he finishes BMT. =.=" opportunity missed.

"If your spiritual life seems to be all easy going and breezy, it is time to get worried, cause it could mean that the devil sees you as a small fry, not a threat to him, and therefore isnt bothered to make things tough for you and disrupt God's plans for you. "

yesterday i was thinking a lot about this theory, and i found that my spiritual walk is indeed very smooth going... as in there are a lot of problems and low moments im going through recently but they are just worldly problems that dont really affect my relationship with God. i just see them as part of life's problems that God uses to train me by. But nothing has really shaken my faith and caused me to have doubts or drift away.

So yes i became worried and asked God to give me a sign of assurance if im walking right, and in a way, asked for tests of faith. i don wanna be having things easy due to being a small fry. sounds like a rather dumb prayer, but i think it was just answered today. today a number of things happened which really showed me how useless i am. or rather, make me feel very useless. then i begin to doubt if God can ever use me to do great things. And im still feeling that way now.

I really need to regain my faith and confidence. so much for an iron spirit. prayers requested, thx!

40-day fast

i have decided to go on 40 days of fasting. (today is 2nd day). not the usual fasting on food, but game-fasting. from now on, on the laptop, i shall have only internet-based entertainment. No dota, no whatever games except on the internet. why 40 days? cos i think its a nice number, following Jesus' example. 40 days later is also almost the end of my semestral exam period. i may not break fast on the 41st day though.

it may be quite a radical decision but i have to. for a while i have been plagued by a terrible ailment which consist of gaming addiction, laziness and procrastination combined, causing me to feel so sian about doing my work, i push it forward till really last minute. sometimes i end up not having enough time to do it, properly. its like i really dont feel like doing at all, and so i try to pass the time by... gaming. makes time fly.

this fasting wont make me like work more, but with the big time killer called gaming removed, i wont have that option of passing time. i will then feel even more sian doing nothing, and would rather do work. its not that i do nothing besides gaming, but other things dont take up so much time, and are usually not as interesting.

i believe this fasting is very possible and i wont be too miserable. i still have internet entertainment anyway. i shall not fail. to reduce temptation, i have deleted all the game icons from my desktop and startup bar. (of course the programs itself are still installed.) I think God is encouraging me to do this too. Just today, my laptop mouse suddenly spoiled! it says '"USB device not recognised." i cant play games properly using touchpad, but can still do other things fine. wow, what a sign.

ok.. 1 day down, 39 to go. Dota fellows, i know ivan n minah r back, but dont invite me to dota convos anymore. you'll stumble me! remember... 39 days more!

where boys become (spoilt) men

been having a writer's block the past number of days. not just because of being busy which is not so then but becoming more now. ive got 4 projects and 2 individual assignments to be done within the next 4 weeks. plus a test to study for. really can die... MST was bad enough.

Alors, joel (finally) got enlisted into the army yesterday. now i have the whole room to myself, i can take over the desktop, ipod and table full time, have 1 less person hogging the toilet. since he was always out of the house or else in front of the comp, i dont feel much difference not having him around until bedtime.

too bad i couldnt go to see the place and the process. perhaps i could follow some other guy friend going in soon. but my parents were there, and they managed to sneak a few photos of the place with the hp camera. and i saw that the camp was so nice, the bunk like a hostel instead. nice clean tiled floors with individual spring beds. a row of study tables in the middle, some lounge with sofas and TV and even board games. the canteen is like one of the better school canteens, serving real good food, buffet style. parade square is brick pavement. from the bunk can see nice view of the tekong sea.

of course this is very different from my perception of the army camp at first. i expected it to be similar to those scout camp venues. perhaps some proper mattresses but in a lousy small bunk, or worse, like sarimbun scout camp, sleeping in tents above bare soil. canteen would be simple and so would the meals, and sometimes outdoor cooking in which you cant cook much and would rather skip the meal. parade square a grass field or tar road. a very backward kind of place where it looks rundown and eerie and ghost stories generate. i was so wrong.

well i thought, how are the boys gonna receive their training to be tough and adaptable when they are given all these comforts so close to home? all those BMT exercises would only train their fitness, but not their independence on those comforts. in times of war, all that will go. i dont see the need to make the camp so nice. it spoils the guys and also uses up more resources. no wonder the govt expenditure on military so high.

now seeing whats the camp really like, im kinda looking forward to going army! from what i know, i have no physical defects or handicap so might get PES A.. which i dun like. perhaps some day later i might find out a small defect big enough to excuse me.