Restart

i have felt like this a few times before recently, but now this sentiments have grown so strong im constantly being drained of emotions. i am getting increasingly dissatisfied with who i am and what i have become. i just wish there is a restart button that i could press, so that i can relive my life from the beginning, and take a different route.

i have walked my journey of life 17, coming 18 years now. looking at where i am compared with what i am... hardly anything. looking back at my journey, i realise how many great opportunities i have missed, how much of life i have wasted. they have gone and will never come again. i have gone too far ahead to turn back and make up for it. all because i was unwilling to venture out of my comfort zone. no pain no gain. i really could have lived my life so much better, been moulded so differently, become a very different person, done so many more things, be so much more fruitful.

how i lived in the past has moulded me. my character, personality and way of thinking. my environment and society too have played a part, and who i am or what ive done determined my direct environment and society, my relations with the people around me. the clay has been moulded and has now hardened. its too late to change, lest parts gets broken off instead. my years of shaping has formed my whole being and has become nature. my nature is now so deeply entrenched into me that it would be just so unnatural and awkward to defy it. as much as i try to change out of my old self and old lifestyle, the environment and society as i have interacted for so long just will not let me change. it now has to be a mutual decision, which i fully understand why. it has become extremely hard with little rate of returns. i am forced to remain as status quo; with hopes dashed time after time.

when can i ever get out of my cocoon and spread my wings as a newborn butterfly? or maybe i might just remain a caterpillar forever. but even if i finally metamorphosize, it will never bring back those years past and the opportunities i have missed. it has been long overdue.

of course i know there will never be a restart button. i surely do not believe in reincarnation and then go kill myself to restart. my life is a one way journey into eternity. but what am i to do with it while on earth? there is no point dwelling on the past, i know. but the future looks bleak at the way things are going. im tired, really tired of this.

high start

ok, so the holidays have just ended and like all the primary and sec schoolers out there, a new school term starts. and the first thing i go back to school for is... a test. and more tests coming up. =.=' im so not excited.

well its been a good 3 weeks of hols for me.. class outings, cell outings, church camp, cca. didnt get to meet up with any old associates though. perhaps that will come in the december period when all THEIR exams are over and holidays come again.

studies.. been slack on it. not good to have exams just after hols cos these things happen.

well i have waited long enough for the cell outing photos, so before i forget. it was a very unique and one of the most enjoyable outings especially for me. we had some sort of amazing race + treasure hunt held in the city hall area, and i was co-organiser with dappen. i thought it was a rather small group of ppl and thus not worth all the planing.. but it turned out well enough.

during the recce trip with darren, i saw what looked like Jade Seah with her boyfriend. but i only caught a quick glance and couldnt be sure, so i told darren and we tried to overtake them then turn around to see their faces. failed. they were walking fast and went a different direction when we tried to intercept them, but somehow darren managed to get a good look and was very sure it realy is jade seah. he saw the bf face too and acording to him he looks ugly and much older than her. i didnt think so cos he looks young from the back.. tall and thin with the young man kind of build. we decided to stop following them when they hugged each other while waiting for the traffic light, before crossing over to raffles hotel. scandalous.

in the bus on the way to city hall, the bus was overcrowded so we had to stand in the aisle. during the journey the bus suddenly jerked hard, causing me to lose balance. in effort to keep myself in one place, i spun around but lost control and my back slammed into the nose of a woman sitting down beside me. so many ppl and my whole cell saw it.. so embarrassing. after that the woman just rubbed her nose like it hurt bad and eyes closed, not saying anything.

during the amazing race around city link we bumped into Valentina Chua and her friends, in their smgs uniforms. i saw her first and thought she looks familiar, and i did think of valentina. then kaimin greeted her and confirmed her identity. i couldnt recognise.. been so long, her looks changed alot. but i dont rmb her being so short. haha. went a round and met up with them again at some accessory store where we tried the necklaces. wasnt really appropriate but i let them cos could take pics.

its fun being the game master and follow the group around while they hunt for the stuff. its nice to know all the answers and watch them suffer while finding them or doing the tasks. when they get so close to the answers but didnt notice it.. i secretly laugh my head off at them. the CWM feat was real fun to watch and laugh at them. we game masters sure do know how to make the game masters have the most fun during the game!

perhaps next time when we have this kind of games or planned activities we should combine cell outing with other cells to boost strength and somewhat make it more fun. can have a Agape outing instead. that is... to be discussed

yesterday we had a jym version of just for laugh gags. the winning 11 game was played against the AI but we ask ppl to play as 2nd player. and they thought they were playing for some time. at least 3 ppl fell for it, real bad. damn funny.
Darren: "the controller spoilt leh... its really spoilt!"
Junting: "i cannot control it... look im not pressing anything!"
Ivan: "im turkey. im turkey right? (after a long while of futilely pressing buttons and scrolling analog) im not playing... "

wahaha

Lucky day

just came back from church camp yesterday, was a good retreat but i actually expected better. dont think i can do a very detailed write up like the race camp. but i shall write more on the other blog. plan to just finish it in 1 post so it doesn drag and never gets fully completed.


Before i went to the camp, i was still big dog status on the FB holdem poker. with about 49K. so yesterday i came back and managed to top up the remaining required 1000 chips to achieve Shark status and then was happy and stopped for the day.
Then today i planned to just be content with shark, so i decided to just have fun with my chips and dont care so much about losing them all. so i went to the highrollers den; a place where just the starting bid scared me away previously. and played more generously.

I have been on real bad losing streaks previously, sometimes roller coasters, but today was just my luckiest day in poker. i went on a winning streak, at least 4 times today and of course won much more than i lost. and it so happens that i got this historical winning streak just when i decided to play higher. then in one particular round i made a enormous win of about 40K, and brought me into the league of pro*100K. i had taken many months to get my 50K, and then that amount was doubled in just 1 day.

Now i begin to wonder, is that the work of Satan? cos i dun think it is from God. now i can feel the symptoms of addiction to poker... like i dont think i would ever go back to those $200 tables that i was playing in not long ago. i would probably continue to play in the high rollers. a 2K win (which was a lot to me last time) seems like peanuts to me now. its a cycle of uncontentment and always raising the bar. like a rat race. now i think i can snap out of this if i want to and even if i continue it might not do me harm. but now i realise how those gambling addicts feel and can empathise with them. this can also relate to the elites or perfectionists, who keep raising the bar for their grades in studies, their achievements, business operations, material wealth, etc.

i am rather certain my playing FB poker would not lead me to become a real life gambler, partly cos of my conservatism, and also cos i know that this is very different from real gambling. over here players win in the long run cos none of it goes to the 'casino', plus everyone gets $500 everyday. in the real casino players are designed to lose in the long run, obviously. and lose big. the casino gets so rich and can even give high class VIP treatment to regular gamblers. But still,

Just recently my mom found out i was "gambling" regularly and she repeatedly nagged at me to never gamble in real life, and to play other things instead, fearing that i may stumble others and of course, in case it leads me to gamble in real life. it doesn make things any better that im in the tourism sector and i might just end up working in the IRs. i think the part about stumbling others could be very real. the idea of rags to riches overnight surely thrills anyone.

i think it would be ok for me to continue playing FB holdem poker, but i must just be careful not to encourage others to play it also, and at the same time keep myself in close check, not letting it affect my mentality in any way.
the value of those chips are getting less to me now. and there is no use for them other than to gamble some more. maybe i should just donate it to the poor. yes, im gonna go to those low bid tables and then ALL IN when i have lousy cards. haha.

Update 8/6

its been quite a good week of holidays... other than a refreshing break from school (though not from studies), but also more time to spend on a free and easy schedule. too bad gotta start studying soon.. like after the camp.

Tuesday, went to school to drop off some borrowed items. so happens at that time there was some dunnowhat event going on which i didnt know about. the whole school was crowded with groups of students in different school uniforms. probably some open house thing for O-levelling students. but isnt it a bit early..

to make my trip to school more fruitful, i decided to spend some time exploring the surroundings of the school i been in for more than a year but never really ventured outside. so on the other side of the school, the side where hardly anyone comes by, i found many nice old bungalows. like big ones with very oldern style. maybe built pre-war times. those just outside my school were not so old. those nearer buona vista (like in pic) were definitely ancient, and mostly uninhabited. managed to sneak into one of them, but the doors and windows were all locked. also visited united world college and found this abandoned building with a playground. the gate was locked and rusty, and whole place overgrown with weeds. quite nice finds.

Wednesday - went to shane's place for a partial class outing. met at 3 upstairs. quite a nice condo but very far away. near pas henry's place. we slack around while then started the bbq early. halfway through it started to rain. very heavily. and i thought that was the end of the bbq. but luckily the bbq pits were sheltered and the wind and rain that came in werent enough to extinguish it completely. with some fanning it ignited again.

during the bbq process there was nothing much for me to do. just a few took control of the pit. the rest stand around and pinch food. some were playing a fool and making fun, talking about random stuff, but i was just quiet most of the time, cos their interests werent mine. i realised how much i cant click with those ppl. after we had our fill of food, we challenged a group of shane's neighbours to a game of 5v5 soccer. i played goal keeper and received a number of hard blows during the game, including one on my face which dented my specs. but we managed to drag the game so long that the girls were cursing and complaining from the wait. waiting for us to go swimming. so after that we swam in improper swim attire but nobody cared. i just dipped for while then came out cos the water was cold. watched the rest swim for a while more. then went back for second round of food. still had quite alot of leftover. what we couldnt finish was...thrown away. wasteful.

after doing all the neccessary stuff, we went upstairs to the house to rest awhile before leaving for clark quay for some night life. it was already 12+ by then. i really never expected we would go out at this time. no more public transport. so had to take cab with midnight charges so the fare was a real pocket burner.. like 22 bucks. clark quay is still buzzing with life at that unlifely hour. and the place is gloomy but with many coloured lights everywhere. really gives a whole new experience. well obviously i wasnt prepared for it, so i was in shorts and sandals and simple shirt so some went into MOS while me and a few other underdressed ones stayed outside to wait. it was a rather gruelling wait, cos the area outside MOS was a back alley road with a rubbish dump just in front of us and crowds of people just sitting around outside smoking. (check out the pic; the thick smoke is illuminated by the car lights.) loud music from the MOS was booming out loud and together with the polluted air made me feel uneasy. night life like that is so not for me. after they had their fun and drinks we went into another bar for another round of drink.. or the first round for me. just a simple jar of cocktail and we were off. walked around the place looking for more things to do, then finally we decided to go back. another killer fare ride.

Thursday - although we initially intended to stay awake throughout, more than half couldnt take it anymore and went to sleep. so we all slept. slept late into the morning. i was the first to get up and i left first. went home, wash up and sleep summore, then leave again for cell group outing.

met in church first then buy some stuff for potluck then got a lift to 13 hill. gathered at dora's house and waited for others who din know the way to be fetched there. played some twister while waiting for more ppl to arrive (and the food too), then we had dinner as a group over contributed food and extra KFC + pizza hut, which was altogether way in excess. after dinner we played taboo and table soccer, then talk random stuff (this time i could join in). had some ice cream. left later than i expected and missed night cycling because of that, but i enjoyed much more than the class outing.

Saturday - Revelations IV! 0 out of 2 invites came. i didnt know who else to invite cos i was too sure they wont come. so i relied on more covert ways such as the big poster, and used the bookmarks as posters as well. anyway, it seems the ushers were not really needed since all the friend-bringers auto went to fetch their friends so all i had to do is stand there and smile. praise and worship was OK.. not outstanding or mood-inciting enough. the sermon was quite good though, and i was compelled to go upfront. made a personal request to God, which i believe is on its way. glad i did get sth good out of this event. then at refreshment time we were all being amused by the vending machine. too bad we already had drinks provided so we didnt need the new privilege.

Sunday - found enlightenment on my earlier questions on stumbling others. =)

Checkpoint: Death

This morning i had someone ranting to me about something related to death. Then later in the afternoon while taking a walk along the footpath, i saw something that i been seeing many times, but this time it caught my attention more. it was a funeral held under a neighbouring block. i saw it from the back, where its all covered up so i can only see a few tables but not the coffin. so i just had this urge to want to see it, to find out whether it is a christian funeral or not.

i went around the block from a distance. no yellow robed priests making a din, no bg bowl for burning hell notes, ok can be christian. but still not sure. so i had to go close enough until i spotted a very comforting sign -- a small silver cross just below the coffin.

suddenly i felt happy. not because she died, but because i know she is alive and living at some place far better. i may not have known her or even seen her before, but i immediately got this 'connection' with this stranger; as a fellow child of God, fully insured by salvation. i could almost go up to those relatives and say "i am so happy for her, that she has been saved!"

This is a big change that i have seen in myself. its been family tradition to visit the niches of my late uncle and grandfather every easter, i didnt like going to that place at all, but ok i go out of respect. i used to see the columbarium as a very morbid place, a place reeking of death. It was like kranji war memorial with all the names of the dead, made picturesque with the portraits of each. (this was made worse by the poor ventilation inside, which makes the air still and stuffy, adding to the morbid aura.) but this year when i went there, i had a whole new attitude towards the place. when we went to my uncle's niche, i looked around at all those other niches there and i just got this deep sense of peace and tranquility. i could see the peacefulness on their faces in the portraits, and the cross marked on every niche was such a powerful symbolic sight, like to show that these are all people who has been saved. and if the devil would pay a visit to that place, it would just give him a sense of failure. each cross marked upon each person symbolised a victory of life over death, of God over the devil.

I felt so happy for all those saints, and in my heart i was joyfully saying to them, "congrats on your salvation. i am happy for u, that you are now reunited with our Lord; in a place where never again will you suffer, and the rest of your unending days will be filled with joy and contentment". the idea of talking to the dead was very much a taboo to me, but hey... these people are all saints. they are too busy enjoying themself in heaven to bother to listen to what im 'saying' to them, much less pay me a ghostly visit in response to it. but even if a saint were to appear to me, i wouldnt be scared at all, for it is of God.

Salvation is like an aegis of the immortal - after death, you are immediately taken away from all the danger of the battlefield and transported to the fountain of life, where you will always be filled and never die again. (this time its a fountain where enemies cannot reach at all.)

eternal life is such a wonderful assurance. too bad our pets cant have it.... i think