Restart

i have felt like this a few times before recently, but now this sentiments have grown so strong im constantly being drained of emotions. i am getting increasingly dissatisfied with who i am and what i have become. i just wish there is a restart button that i could press, so that i can relive my life from the beginning, and take a different route.

i have walked my journey of life 17, coming 18 years now. looking at where i am compared with what i am... hardly anything. looking back at my journey, i realise how many great opportunities i have missed, how much of life i have wasted. they have gone and will never come again. i have gone too far ahead to turn back and make up for it. all because i was unwilling to venture out of my comfort zone. no pain no gain. i really could have lived my life so much better, been moulded so differently, become a very different person, done so many more things, be so much more fruitful.

how i lived in the past has moulded me. my character, personality and way of thinking. my environment and society too have played a part, and who i am or what ive done determined my direct environment and society, my relations with the people around me. the clay has been moulded and has now hardened. its too late to change, lest parts gets broken off instead. my years of shaping has formed my whole being and has become nature. my nature is now so deeply entrenched into me that it would be just so unnatural and awkward to defy it. as much as i try to change out of my old self and old lifestyle, the environment and society as i have interacted for so long just will not let me change. it now has to be a mutual decision, which i fully understand why. it has become extremely hard with little rate of returns. i am forced to remain as status quo; with hopes dashed time after time.

when can i ever get out of my cocoon and spread my wings as a newborn butterfly? or maybe i might just remain a caterpillar forever. but even if i finally metamorphosize, it will never bring back those years past and the opportunities i have missed. it has been long overdue.

of course i know there will never be a restart button. i surely do not believe in reincarnation and then go kill myself to restart. my life is a one way journey into eternity. but what am i to do with it while on earth? there is no point dwelling on the past, i know. but the future looks bleak at the way things are going. im tired, really tired of this.