Update 16/7

It seems i have no certain topic that i could centre the post on. ah, writers block. for quite some time already. so ill just try to write with no restrictions.

it seems that either hardly anyone saw or bothered to respond to my previous post. its sad. looks like a direct approach is necessary for all.

This has been a really dull semester in school. exams and projects have been mediocre, no extraordinary experiences, no spectacular events, nothing i can really look forward to. both my ccas have been really inactive. im now only looking forward to the disney internship in less than 2 months time, but even that is shaken. there is a slight chance that ill be stopped from going. but i feel strongly that things will be alright.

The recession has come again. not of the economy, but of my life. these are the times where i feel all low and empty and drained of self esteem or hope. of course it is not as bad as the unforgettable trench period i had between may and sept last year. (cant really rmb the time) once again my past has come back to haunt me. and i realised, the life boost that i had after the trench experience has faded - i have lost that drive, hunger and motivation. in a way, situations have not been so good for me. but on my part, i have also been lax.

Perhaps its brought by the inadequacy i feel when doing my projects. and the personal portfolio assignment also played a big part. cause we are all required to gather all the acheivements we have obtained in our life, and put them all together into a portfolio, as our project. seeing from the 'examplary works' done by previous students that the tutor showed us, mine would pale in comparison. even more than pale actually. why, my life has been severely deprived and void of achievements. Looking at myself, there are so many things that others can do that i cant, and there is nothing that im really good at. this assignment is really cruel. it is an ego booster for those high-achieving students, but a depression stimulator for those who are not.

The hope i have in God is what keeps me going and my source for staying positive. And the best defence against this that i have to remind myself - that i should not be finding my pride and identity in the things of this world and the worldly acheivements i have. im not saying that i have much spiritual achievements either, but i take hope that there are much more to come.

Though this semester is theoretically much slacker than the previous, it seems i have also become slack too so that i still do not give more as i could. there are 3 projects due soon plus the portfolio, and i already feel like im gonna die. ahh, my discipline and hardworkingness has died off over the long holidays and even at a time like this, i have not got it back! all my time wastes away into unfruitfulness, and now im left to struggle through my projects once again.

im addicted to facebook. thats what. i could spend the whole day on facebook. looking at profiles, pictures, notes, and especially the games. oh why do they have to be so entertaining.... ppl some more asked me to play restaurant city, geo challenge and pet society, but im already so distracted, if i start playing them too, ill die lor.

Yesterday for dinner, i went to eat at some lower end jap restaurant. for ramen, they let us choose how spicy we want it, from a scale of 1 chilli to 8 chillis. now from experience, even the most spicy choice is not that spicy till its unbearable, or nobody would order that. so i thought perhaps 8 chillis is for the real spicy lovers. so ill just go for 6 chillis, should be just nice for me. and it turned out, even 6 chillis is already crazily spicy! its really like chilli soup... i wonder how anyone can take 8 chillis and survive! yeah, it was quite a suffering for me, but i still finished it anyway. slowly bit by bit, drinking lots of water. and now im suffering the side effects of spice overload. which takes effect on my stomach and intestines. you get the picture.

oh well.. i should really get into doing my projects and studying... time is really short and i have to feel the heat by now. Discipline....